I'm Me
by pwntastical
Summary: It's all too suffocating- being a Darcy fill-in, keeping all these secrets... I can't handle it. Why do I have to be someone that I'm really not? When can I be me? Clare-centric, Eclare.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm so excited for this! **

**This is just a small experiment. I'm getting out of my comfort zone of writing stories for manga and anime… so I hope that you will enjoy this!**

**Title: I'm me.**

**Pairing: Clare-centric. Eclare**

**I do not own any of Degrassi: the Next Generation franchise.**

**Just want to let everyone know that I'm not exactly good with English, so my grammar may suck. Don't flame about it. **

**-x-**

It's difficult. I feel like I'm leading this whole different side of me that I keep secret from everyone. I'm a high honors "gifted" student during the day, and afterschool, I'm me.

I'm the me that no one really knows about.

**-x-**

My life is pretty much set out for me. I graduate from Degrassi, hopefully being valedictorian, and go to Banting or some preppy Ivy League school in the states. Every month my parents put a large sum of money into my college funds, and talk about how I'm "destined for success."

I have to be different.

I have to be different than Darcy- even if she is the pretty and popular one.

After she got raped and got into all that trouble, my mother refused to acknowledge her. And after she left for Kenya, my parents pushed all their hopes and dreams onto me.

People don't understand how much pressure I have to deal with. It's suffocating me, and there's no way out.

**-x-**

I sit outside of Degrassi on one of the bench tables, scribbling notes onto my composition notebook. I see all the students smiling and laughing, hugging and kissing—having a great time. They look like they have absolutely nothing to be worried about.

I wish I could be that carefree.

I look to my right and I see Alli ranting about her horrible life, being "unpopular" and "having no social circle."

I wish I could worry about those sorts of things.

I wish I could be a real teenager. I feel like I'm a thirty year old stuck in a pathetic sixteen year old body.

I scribble some more notes, trying to keep focused on this assignment.

"Clare! Are you even listening to me?"

I blank out and look back at Alli, who's pouting and crossing her arms.

"Uh…" I blink my eyes several times. "Yeah, I was listening." I continue looking at my composition book.

"No you weren't. Way to be a good friend." She takes her stuff of the table, stuffs in into her bag and leaves the table. Alli will cool off later.

I look into my notebook and I start a new page. I jot down ideas of what I should write about next for my vampire story and my phone starts vibrating.

It's a text from my mom telling me that no one can pick me up from school and that I'll have to take the bus. I grimace at the text and shut my phone.

**-x-**

If it's not my mom, it's my dad. Every single day they argue and argue, getting absolutely nowhere.

Why can't my dad just tell my mom that she's a prude and that he sleeps with this girl whose twenty years younger than he?

And why can't my mom tell my dad that she could be laid off from her job?

I take my stuff off the table, put it all in my tote bag and I walk home.

**-x-**

It's a good half hour walk to my house from Degrassi. It would have been easier if I had taken the bus, but then I realize that if I'm home sooner, I'll have to deal with my parents.

I walk over to The Dot and I sit down on one of the chairs. I never realized how cool the new restaurant was.

I order a small coffee and a muffin and I continue finishing all my homework.

**-x-**

Being one of the "gifted students" at Degrassi really isn't all that hard. Once you put aside all the teasing and taunting, it's really not that bad.

I never understood how people could complain about homework and studying, considering it's all I do. Those two things run my life. School and academics is my life.

The door opens and I look back to see one of the new students. He sits on one of the tall bar stools and starts talking to one of the servers. I can barely hear their conversation over all the other people, but I ignore them and take another bite of my muffin.

I start chewing and I look around at all the occupants in the restaurant. Their murmurs and voices surround me and it starts suffocating me. I feel like everyone is talking about _me_, pointing at me and laughing at me.

But I'm different. I'm not like Darcy.

Why do these people have to remind me of Darcy?

I quickly stand up, pay the bill, and get my things and leave.

As I open the door, I feel the people's stares piercing into my back. What did I do wrong this time?

**-x-**

I quickly run over to my house and unlock the door.

I throw my tote bag down onto the ground and walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I peer into the living room where I see my father… making out with…

It's her.

I drop the glass and it shatters all over the floor. My father stops and looks up.

"Clare! I didn't know you would be home… your mom said…"

I stared at him. "Yeah."

He cleared his throat, buttoned up his shirts, redid his belt and stood up. "I would like you to meet Georgia."

I feigned a smile and waved to her. "…N-nice to meet you."

I looked into the living room where I saw all the family pictures. My father really had no dignity, did he? Here he is, making out with some stranger, practically in front of my family!

I clear my throat and blink. "Um… I'm going to go." I walk past the broken glass and run to the door. I grab my bag and shut the door quickly.

**-x-**

I hate my life.

Between acting as a Darcy 'fill-in,' getting straight A's and keeping all these secrets, I really have no time to relax and chill out.

I walk over to the park near my neighborhood and I sit on the bench. I take out my phone from my tote and I realize that Alli has texted me over ten times. I smile and look at my pictures.

There are a bunch of pictures on my phone. I have pictures with Darcy, my parents, Alli, Connor, and K.C.

K.C. Guthrie.

I repeat his name many times in my head. I remember the day he broke up with me. I remember crying about our breakup all summer.

I thought that I had a boyfriend, everything would be different. He could help me forget all about my parents, my 'Perfect Clare' life… but in the end, he left me.

He left me for _her._

He left me for Jenna.

Jenna ruined my life. Trying to make it worse and worse by pretending and playing coy, trying to be my 'BFF,' and then spreading around the rumor that I got a boob job.

She really doesn't want me to have K.C.

That's fine. I don't care. She can have K.C., and she can deal with him. He's no longer my problem. I want nothing to do with him.

I look at the cars driving down the street. I wonder if I stand in the middle of the street, I could get run over by a car and all of my problems could all go away.

I take my bag and walk up to the street. I take one step off the curb and quickly get back on the sidewalk.

I'm scared.

One more try.

I take a step and a large black car suddenly stops. A lanky teenager opens the door and walks towards me.

He scoffs at me and smirks. "What do you think you're doing?"

**-x-**

**Here it is! **

**I don't know if it's good, I'm not sure where it's going yet… but I'll figure it out.**

**Read and review! I know that Eclare fics are all over the Degrassi archive, but I thought I could give it a try. It's more Clare-centric. :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's chapter two! I never thought that so many people would read this! **

**Thanks to all the reviewers!**

**Warning: A bit of religion dissing. **

**-x-**

"What do you think you're doing?"

I look up and see this teenager smirking at me. He looks eerily familiar.

"Don't remember me? I'm your English partner." He smirks at me again and leans against the front of his car. "And you're pulling a Sylvia Plath."

I stand upright and brush the dirt off my jeans. "I know who you are, and I'm not 'pulling a Sylvia Plath.'"

"Really now?" His raised his left eyebrow. "Because from what I see, you're trying to kill yourself."

I cross my arms and scoff in surprise. "Who said I was trying to kill myself?"

He walks over towards me and pats my shoulder. "You know," He smirks at me, "you're a terrible liar." He walks back into his car. "You need a ride?"

I watch him in surprise as he opens the door to his car—his _hearse_,to be exact and walks back to my side. I contemplate whether it would be better to go home, which was only five minutes away, or to go with him.

Wait a minute. Why would I want to go home?

**-x-**

Today I learned about trigonometry as well as riding in a hearse. Apparently, the latter is actually quite comfortable.

I feel awkward sitting next to Eli, yet I feel comfortable at the same time. I no longer have to wear that obscene metaphorical paper bag, and all boundaries are fabricated.

He makes a right turn and looks at me. "So… Were you trying to get some inspiration for our next writing assignment?"

I glare at him. Is he honestly being really serious or really stupid?

"So anyways," he continues speaking, ignoring my silence, "now that you decided to give me the cold shoulder, I would really not like to keep on driving in circles. Is there anywhere you want to go?"

I look out the window to see that we've passed by that same bench and that same tree three times. I blink my eyes repetitively. He really has been driving around in circles.

"Uh… Where do you want to go?" I ask, trying to avoid his gaze.

"Well, we could go to The Dot or to a mosh pit. Either one is fine with me."

"Those are my two choices? The Dot or a mosh pit?"

"Yup, and you better pick one now because there's an angry driver right behind me." I look behind to see an old man scowling at us.

"The Dot," I mutter. "Let's go to the Dot."

"Fine by me." The hearse begins to move.

**-x-**

"So," Eli came to the table holding two cups of coffee, "If you weren't getting inspiration for our next paper, then what were you doing?"

I grab the coffee and feel the hot steam rush to my face. "I was being crazy. Spontaneous."

"Ooh. Big words… but that doesn't give me a good explanation. Elaborate for me." He sips his coffee and raises his eyebrows suspiciously. He knows that there's more to the story. But why should I explain my feelings to a complete stranger?

"I was wondering what it would feel like to stand in the middle of the road."

He put down his coffee and looked at me directly. "And you wanted to do that by literally standing in the middle of the road? So not smart. And here I thought that you were one of the gifted students."

After hearing that statement, I suddenly felt angry and stood up. "**You** try being a gifted student at Degrassi! **You** try to pretend to be the perfect one after your sister gets raped and flees away to Kenya! **You** try to keep all these secrets from your parents! **You** try to be perfect!"

I had no idea what I was doing. But shouting made me feel better. _I felt better_. His statement really hurt me, and some part of my soul broke off. I lost all control of myself.

After shouting, my vocal cords were tired and overused. My voice refused to work. I could only hear my breathing. _Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in… breathe out._ I kept on telling myself that.

"Clare?"

What was I doing? What was I thinking?

I couldn't even begin to fathom what had happened in the past two minutes. I quickly grabbed my bag and left.

**-x-**

What did I do?

There were tears streaming down my face and sweat beading down my forehead. I knew my face was red—it gets red every time I get embarrassed or overly angry, and my hair was all over my face.

But I didn't care. I didn't care about anything anymore. Why should I care?

Why should I care about anyone when no one cares for me?

If I really believed in God, then God would have helped my mom find a new job or to stay with her current job. God would have helped my father stay with my mother. God would have helped Darcy in her time of need.

No.

I refuse to believe in God. God hasn't helped me. If God loved me, then he would have helped me.

I yanked the cross off my neck and threw it far away. I didn't care if that necklace was a present from my grandmother for First Communion, and I didn't care about whether it was a sin to throw it away.

Why should I care?

**-x-**

When I got home, I saw that the glass on the floor was all cleaned up and the couch was all neatened up. My father did a good job of covering up his tracks.

Mom took out a casserole from the oven. "Sweetie? I'm glad you're home! It's a bit late, isn't it?" She put the casserole on the table. "I made dinner."

I tried to avoid her gaze. I couldn't let her see me. "I already ate at The Dot. Sorry." I quickly ran upstairs to my bedroom.

**-x-**

I woke up the next morning completely disgruntled. I had absolutely no sleep, I was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday and I still didn't start that English assignment.

Crap.

I looked at the clock. On second thought, maybe it would be better if I didn't.

I changed and skipped breakfast. I didn't care how I looked, but all that mattered was that I showed up to school.

**-x-**

"So Clare… care to discuss what happened last night at The Dot? You ditched and left the bill for me." He patted my shoulder and turned to look at me.

"Sorry. I just had a lot on my mind."

"No kidding. After that dramatic speech," he smirked and raised his eyebrows, "and that loud exit, you had the entire café looking. I even had a bunch of people yelling at me telling me that I am a bad boyfriend." 

I scoffed. "Boyfriend. That's funny."

"What's so funny about the word boyfriend? Oh… you honestly think that I can't be a good boyfriend? I'll let you know that making out in a hearse is actually pretty awesome and sexy. There's a whole bunch of room back there."

I furrowed my eyebrows in surprise. "Really…"

He nodded. "Of course. But don't get any ideas." He walked away, smirking.

I shut my locker and tried to replay the events that went on last night and right now. I shouted in front of him, created a scene and left him with the bill. He shrugs it off and laughs about it.

What goes on in Eli Goldworthy's head? I honestly have no clue.

**-x**

**It's definitely shorter than the last chapter. My bad!**

**It's the first time that I've updated a story every day. I really don't know what to say…**

**Wait. I know exactly what to say. Your updates keep me going! (How wrong did that sound?) Please note that this chapter has not been edited for grammar mistakes. Grammar is NOT my specialty. **

**So read and review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**So here's chapter three! I hope that you like it!**

**I think I know where I'm trying to go with this story… but tips for the plot would be appreciated. **

**-x-**

The whole day I couldn't stop thinking about my parents.

What was I supposed to say to my mom? It's not as easy as going up to her and saying, "Hey mom, I saw dad hooking up with some girl last night on the living room couch." In my head, it was easy. In real life, it wasn't.

And I did notice that letter on the kitchen counter from my mom's manager. I hope that my dad didn't get a chance to see it.

And then there's Eli.

**-x-**

"Class, today we will continue discussing our writing assignments due on Monday."

The teacher's words come out as those adults' voices in those Peanuts cartoons; nothing more than incessant mumbling. I can't stop thinking about my parents.

And then there's that girl.

That skank that made out with my dad.

I start doodling on the margins.

"Miss Edwards—I hope that face is your thinking face for your essay." Mrs. Dawes condones me for my daydreaming. The thing is that I can't even remember what the paper was supposed to be about anyways.

"You know—you're supposed to write about one of the greatest experiences that ever happened in your life."

It's Eli again. He's giving that signature smirk and eyebrow raise.

I look back into the blank sheet of notebook paper. What was one of the greatest experiences that I ever had? There was First Communion, Confirmation, my first date with K.C.

The list goes on.

But even if those experiences are good experiences—would I be able to write a two page paper about it?

I feel really shallow right now. I see people writing and making outlines for their papers and I don't even have a title for my paper. I don't even know what it is right now.

What am I doing?

**-x-**

Alli walks up to where I'm sitting at lunch and starts yelling at me about how I don't check my cell phone for texts and calls anymore. Apparently, she's still having boy trouble.

At this point, why should I care about anyone else's troubles when I still have a bunch of troubles to deal with right now?

"Clare! You're supposed to be listening right now, not thinking about that horrendous chemistry assignment."

She thinks I'm thinking about chemistry? She has no idea how wrong she is. I'm still stuck about English.

I stand up quickly. I think I know what to write my paper on. I leave my lunch on the table and snatch my bag. I have a paper to write.

**-x-**

I'm not sure what I'm doing right now, but I hope that what I'm doing isn't stupid or dangerous. The paper that I'm writing seems like dangerous territory to be writing about, but I don't care if Principal Simpson decides to report me to the superintendent.

It doesn't matter anymore.

My fingers latch onto the keyboard and I start typing furiously.

Who cares about lunch or friends? As long as I get this paper done, that's all that matters.

**-x-**

I figured out that if I get really good grades and do really well at anything I do, my parents won't have to bother me.

It didn't matter what I did or what I didn't do, but as long as I get that perfect grade, then it's all right.

It's probably really bad parenting on their part, but whatever. They can spend more time focusing on their personal lives, and I can spend time focusing on myself.

After thirty minutes, I notice that I've written more than the requirement. All there's left to do is to fix sentence structure and grammar and I'm all set.

But wait. Dawes said that she didn't care about grammar. Maybe my paper is fine just the way it is. Why should I prepare a good paper just so some old lady can put a big fat red C on it?

Whatever. I don't care anymore.

**-x-**

If it's not Darcy, it's my mom. If it's not my mom, then it's my dad. That's how the problem hierarchy goes. But since Darcy is in Kenya, it's just my parents.

I remember when my parents had a 'talk.' I'm pretty sure I heard glass shattering in the kitchen, because my dad had a band aid on his leg and my mom slept in my room for a whole week. It was one of the most awkward weeks I've ever had.

I've also noticed that there's a slight decrease on the number of glass plates and glasses that we have in the cabinets now. But that's just an assumption.

I came home to see my mother looking into a newspaper. Uh oh. Bad news.

"Clare honey? You're home so early!" My mom looks up from the newspaper and closes it. She didn't notice that I saw the circles on the job ads.

"Yeah. I have a lot of stuff to do on the computer."

"Okay… We'll have dinner early. Your father will be home late."

I shrug my shoulders and run upstairs. Why should I have to be the only one to deal with my mother? If only Darcy was here…

**-x-**

I go onto the computer and take a second look on my paper. It seems all right, but I'm not sure if it really is. I start having second thoughts about it. What if it was really bad? What if it had nothing to do about the whole thesis?

But then again—why should I even worry?

The word 'experience' means different things to different people. And in my paper, I give my definition of the word 'experience.'

Words mean differently to different people. People's actions can give people different reactions.

It just depends on how the person accepts and reacts.

**-x-**

"So this is the paper that you're going to hand to our English teacher?"

I nodded.

Eli nodded his head. "I like it. It's _profound._" He exaggerated and dramatized the 'profound'.

"So you think that I'll get a good grade on it?"

"Yeah. I mean—what's the worst that could happen? You could just get a C and pass the class."

"That's exactly what I don't want to happen. I need to get a good grade in this class." I snatched the paper from his hands. "If you don't like it, then I'll just beg her for an extension."

He stood up from his chair and walked next to me. "And why would you do that?" He pointed at the paper. "This is a perfectly good paper that you wrote. Just hand it in—why worry about something that you probably don't even need to worry about?"

"Well, you just said that it sucked."

He put his hands up as if he was trying to say he was innocent. "I never said anything about your paper sucking."

"But it was implied."

"You should know that when you assume, you make an ass of out _you_ and _me_. Everyone knows that."

I roll my eyes at him. He doesn't understand.

"Look." He glanced at the paper again. "What you think may qualify as 'sucking'," he put air quotes around the word 'sucking,' "may actually be good to someone else. You know that saying— 'one man's trash is another man's treasure'? So take a shot. What's the worst that could happen?"

Somehow, Eli convinced me to hand the paper in. And I did.

In some way, I felt like I was wrapped around Eli Goldsworthy's finger. And I actually didn't mind it.

**-x-**

"Clare Edwards? Can I see you after class?"

I look up to see Mrs. Dawes staring at me. I nod at her.

I spent my entire weekend freaking out about the paper, and Eli's speech actually made me feel confident for about a second. And Mrs. Dawes's stare completely shattered it.

Confidence is a like a fragile glass bowl. You put too much of something in, the bowl shatters. If you make a mistake, you drop the bowl and it shatters.

The same principle applies to me. When I start to have control, something always has to ruin it.

And in this case, it's Mrs. Dawes.

The bell rings and I walk up to her desk.

"Clare, I took a look at your paper."

Already? How could she?

"I want you to rewrite this paper."

Those seven words pierced my heart and broke it. How could she ask me to do that after I poured my heart onto those three and a half pages?

"Why? Mrs. Dawes- that is my interpretation of a good experience." I started blinking rapidly, my heart started beating furiously. What were these emotions that I was feeling? It was so overwhelming.

"Clare—I can't give a grade on something like this."

"Why not?" I started getting harsh and demanding.

"Because it has nothing to do with the book that we're reading. We're supposed to be discussing about Hester Prynne and the Scarlet Letter."

Wait. Rewind for me. So this paper was about the book we were reading? Not about our experiences…

"Oh." My lips formed into a small 'O' shape.

"I'll have you rewrite your paper and I want it on my desk on Monday morning."

I couldn't think about anything else. All I thought was how Eli Goldsworthy tricked me.

**-x-**

I was tricked. I was played.

And I was angry.

I stomped up to Eli. "You tricked me."

He shut his locker and looked me in the face. "I didn't. What an accusation!" He put a hand on his chest to say that he was hurt.

"Oh, so did you write about your greatest experience?"

He scoffed. "No… I did the assignment and wrote a paper on the Scarlet Letter. It's pretty good. I can send you an electronic copy of it."

I wanted to strangle him. I felt embarrassed. "So you tricked me and made me write a paper about my greatest experience when I was supposed to write about the Scarlet Letter."

"Yeah, pretty much. You obviously weren't paying enough attention in class." He started walking away from me. He stopped midway and turned around. "One man's trash is another man's treasure."

**-x-**

**So this is what I have… it's a bit longer than the other two chapters and I hope you like it. When school starts, I know that I won't have a chance to update, so I have to do all the updating now. (:**

**Read and review! Don't flame about the grammar—it's not my strong point.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for all the reviews! **

**Eli was being a jerk… wasn't he? **

**Special thanks for a certain reviewer who had the funniest sentence in their review. I used it, and see if you can find it!**

**And here's the next chapter!**

**-x-**

"Come on Clare? That's all that you were freaking out about? And here I thought that you had some major problems…"

Alli was sitting with me in the cafeteria. Alli was rolling her eyes at me while I had more fun poking and prodding what seemed to be meatloaf.

"You do know that that meatloaf won't disappear no matter how many times you poke it, right?"

"He's just so… _ERGH!_ And I just get so… _ARGH!_" I was so angry at him. My face was flushed.

"So you have a crush on him… no big."

I stabbed the meatloaf. "I do not have a crush on him. He just makes me mad."

Alli stood up to leave. "Next time you have a real problem—a **real** problem—call me."

I sat in my seat staring at the dead meatloaf, pretending that was Eli's head.

**-x-**

"So Clare… what was your greatest experience?"

I looked up. It was Eli. At this point, I don't even want to talk to him. I don't even want to see his face.

"Aw… you're looking at me like that. Don't be so angry at me. You look like you like you want to 'suffocate me with marshmallows and force me to eat carrots for the rest of my life.' How cruel of you! That really does hurt."

I looked at Eli. How could he be joking around like that? I got in trouble because of him.

"So you're still giving me the cold shoulder. Nice Clare… way to be mature." He smirked jokingly.

I walked away from him. There's so many things I could say to him, directly to his face. But why was I so afraid?

**-x-**

After school, I got a text from my mom.

**Clare, could you come home quickly? I need to talk to you. Love you, mom.**

Crap. What could it be now?

I walked home as fast as I could. If she needed to text me, it had to be serious. Forget Eli, my family comes first.

**-x-**

"Mom, what's the problem?" I stormed through the door, completely sweaty and beat.

"Clare… I don't know how to tell you…"

Oh god. This is the moment that I've been dreading. She's going to tell me that she's lost her job. She's going to tell me that she found out about dad's new girlfriend.

"Grandma died this morning."

My eyes widened. Grandma died?

"Clare, I know how you must feel right now… you loved Grandma so much!" She came over to hug me and I awkwardly returned the hug. What could make this even worse?

"Your father and I will be out tonight to meet with the rest of the family to schedule and prepare the wake. Dinner is in the refrigerator; just heat it up whenever you're hungry." She walked out of the door.

"Wait!" I stopped her. "Where's dad?" 

"He said that he'll come later. He had some more work to do or something." She sauntered over to her car. "I'll see you later tonight, okay sweetheart?"

I nodded. I bet that he was going to have a make out session with his girlfriend before heading out to meet the family.

**-x-**

I looked in the living room for one of the family albums. It had pictures of me, Darcy and Grandma.

When I was younger, I used to spend all my weekends with Grandma; we would go out for ice cream on Sunday mornings after Mass and play in the creek every afternoon. On Saturdays, Grandma would make us a picnic with delicious tuna fish sandwiches and ice cold lemonade.

Everything changed after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She started forgetting everyone's names. She insisted that she was okay, but I didn't understand how the name 'Clare' could turn into 'Nancy' or 'Betsy.' When I started seventh grade, Grandma moved to the nursing home thirty minutes away. I used to visit her all the time, until I realized that she forgot me entirely.

I looked at all the pictures, flipping page after page after page. This was definitely better than going shopping or doing homework. I started remembering playing at the creek and drinking lemonade.

Grandma used to have the best stories. She used to tell me and Darcy about pirates and fairy tales. My favorite story was about the little girl who became a mermaid. I always wished that one day I could swim with the fishes and dolphins.

I remembered when I was little and I was walking in the creek. One time I went through a deep area, where the water levels were higher and the current was faster, and I started drowning. The cold water enveloped my body and gave me a shock. It was one of the most amazing things ever. I was only four or five, but I remember looking at all the little fishes swimming around me, the brown dirty water and everyone screaming my name, telling me to come out of the water.

But I didn't want to. It was too amazing.

It was one of the greatest experiences that I've ever had.

Drowning in a creek. And Eli read about it.

**-x-**

If I could be a mermaid, I would.

To forget about everything and everyone on earth, jump into water and start swimming. I would do that.

I want to forget about my mom, my dad and everyone else in this world. I wanted to jump into the deep part of the creek once more; to be in the middle between the surface world and some sort of bottomless pit.

And I would stay there. I would stay in the water. Even if I had no more oxygen left in me.

**-x-**

The wake was scheduled to be next Wednesday night. The actual funeral service would be on Thursday morning. I was given permission to skip school.

I didn't care about how people at school looked at me when I walked down the halls anymore. I didn't care about people talking about me. I didn't care about my friends anymore.

I felt _different_. Like I was no longer the same Clare that got up in the cafeteria and sang hymns. I was no longer the Clare that wore a Catholic school uniform. I was no longer _me_.

I was a different _me_.

I had no proclivity to impress people; I had no inclination to talk to anyone. And it was okay.

**-x-**

**Um… I actually pictured this chapter being different. But yet… it turned out being this?**

**I hope you enjoy it. Please read and review! Reviews give me more energy to write. **

**NEVER HAVE I EVER UPDATED THIS OFTEN. But doing this is actually really fun!**

**But yeah. Enjoy, don't flame the grammar! I kinda just finished this now and I'm not in the mood for editing grammar… But whatevers. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Haha—you guys figured out what the review was!**

**Thank you for reviewing and reading this story, I really do appreciate it!**

**There are some people who ask for some sort of Eli POV or some Eli chapters. I intended for this to be a Clare-centric story (see summary), so I didn't really expect to write about Eli that much. It's mostly in Clare POV.**

**But now that I think about it, maybe a little Eli wouldn't hurt. It's Clare with a sprinkle of Eli!**

**-x-**

**Eli POV**

Where the hell is she?

She's not here in school today for some unexplained reason. It's a bit unfortunate that she's not here. I don't get to make fun of her anymore.

I don't know why I do stupid things like that. What is supposed to be a harmless question turns out to be teasing. How does she make do that? It's like she has this superpower to control me.

And I actually don't mind it. I actually like it.

It makes the chase more exciting.

**-x-**

I was surprised when I read her paper. I thought that it would be something stupid—like her first ballet recital or her first spelling bee award.

Awards and trophies are nothing more than large amounts of plastic that collect dust in your room. Same thing with medals—they're pointless. All you can do is reminisce about the 'good old days' and wish that you could relive that specific and particular moment again.

But it wasn't about that. It was about drowning in a creek.

Drowning?

Why would a goodie-two-shoe write a two page paper about drowning? I couldn't comprehend why she would do such a thing.

And what about that mad rant at The Dot? I had no idea what she was saying. But I did get blurbs.

I think it was something about being gifted, someone being raped and keeping a secret. At first, I didn't care about it. I shrugged it off.

But then it was real. She wasn't kidding. She actually looked… _concerned_.

**-x-**

And then she was standing in the road.

Where there were cars driving quickly.

What was she doing? Was she trying to kill herself?

These thoughts make my head explode. I can't think anymore. It's unfathomable to even consider these kinds of things.

But she's not stupid. I know that she's not dumb. That's impossible.

So what's really wrong with her?

**-x-**

For some strange reason, all I can think about is Clare.

Clare and her pretty eyes. Clare and her hairdo. Clare and her English papers. It's all just Clare!

Clare fills my thoughts. Clare is all I am.

How weird does that sound? I sound like one of those wimpy lovesick boys.

I can't even focus in my classes. I can't even eat lunch.

God, I'm so weird. I wonder what Clare's doing right now?

I shake my head, trying to get the thoughts out of my head. No more Clare.

I just mentioned her name, didn't I? I mentioned Clare's name. Clare.

_Clare_.

**-x-**

After school, I walked over to Morty and I sat in the car for a good ten minutes.

I think I just bombed two quizzes and one test. Great.

It's all her fault. I refuse to think about her anymore.

Maybe this is just withdrawal. It's most likely because she isn't here at school today and I can't tease her. It's like a cat without their scratching post. There's nothing left to do.

My scratching post is gone.

**-x-**

**So yeah. This is Eli's POV.**

**Takes place the week that Clare is gone away for the funeral/wake thing. I don't have that much inspiration to write something about Eli considering I don't really have a good feeling about his character. But I try. I consider this more as a filler.  
**

**If you don't really like it then… whatev.**

**I'll probably edit this later (meaning sometime during the week), but I will do other chapters as well. I find this really short for my liking. Short and sweet (:**


	6. Chapter 6

**So now we're going back to the original story.**

**I have decided on having a Clare-centric story, with little dabbles of Eli put in here and there. **

**I hope that that's sort a small compromise of sorts…**

**Onto the story!**

**-x-**

In my life, I've been to only three funerals: my Grandpa, my friend's dad and the priest that used to work at the Church.

This would be my fourth.

It was hard picturing my grandma—the same old woman who used to make awesome sandwiches and awesome sweaters—in a coffin, completely white and cold.

I touched her hand. I felt absolutely nothing: there wasn't any pulse or warmth in those hands that made wonderful food and comfy sweaters. They felt like a stranger's hand.

All throughout the wake, I kept on wondering what death is like. I wondered if people would surround my coffin the same way people crowded around my Grandma's. Would people actually still like me in the future?

Would I still have loving friends and a caring family to cherish me even when I'm gone?

**-x-**

It was weird coming back to school on Friday. I felt that everyone at Degrassi was staring bullets at me. It was suffocating.

I felt like I couldn't breathe, that I was surrounded by people who hated me.

I looked around frantically, looking for someone that I would know—a kindred spirit.

All I saw was a sea of strangers. And then there was him.

I saw Eli.

I ran towards him. He was my target. There was no one else but him. Eli would be my salvation.

**-x-**

I ran towards his general direction where his locker was. I looked at him and he looked at me, as if he was surprised that I came to see him.

"And what honor do I have to see the wonderful Clare Edwards this fine morning?"

He's mocking me. I know he is. But I won't let him have the satisfaction.

"Nothing—I just wanted to know if I missed anything in English class."

He raised one eyebrow. "You wanted me to tell you the English homework," he started drawling, "after I tricked you about our writing assignment?"

I hadn't thought about that. What was I supposed to say now?

"I guess so." I muttered. I just lost this argument. Eli 1, Clare 0.

"Hmph." He put his backpack on his shoulders. "Care to walk with me to English class?"

I looked up at him. How could he be so nonchalant?

No matter how much I protested against it in my mind, I ended up walking to class with him.

**-x-**

"Mind telling me why you missed class the other day?"

We were in the middle of a free writing session, and Eli wanted to talk to me.

"We should be writing—not talking." I whispered to him.

"Why? Dawes knows that we are both very good writers. We're probably the top in the class."

"Well, I just screwed up a writing assignment and Dawes probably hates me. You on the other hand should just write so you don't get both of us in trouble."

"Whatever." He turned around towards the desk and leaned against the back of his chair. "But just to let you know," he began whispering, "I'll need a full report at lunchtime."

I stopped writing. Eli wants me to eat lunch with him?

Am I going to die?

**-x-**

I've got way too much stuff on my plate now. AP classes, SAT prep, my parents—there's way too many things going on simultaneously.

And here I am, sitting down in the cafeteria with Eli Goldsworthy.

I don't like the way he looks at me. Sometimes he scares me. I look into his eyes and I see nothing more than a cold dark abyss.

"Why are you scared of me? I won't bite." He laughs at me as I try not to make eye contact with him.

"I'm not scared of you."

"Don't be." He takes a bite of his burger. "So anyways… why did you miss class?"

"Family stuff. No big really." I nonchalantly mentioned, poking around at my salad.

"Family stuff?"

"Yeah, that's what I said: family stuff." I started chewing on a piece of lettuce.

"So what constitutes as 'family stuff'?" He put the words 'family stuff' into air quotes.

I couldn't stand hearing his voice and I couldn't stand continuing this conversation. "Family stuff would be attending my Grandma's funeral." I stood up with my lunch tray and left the table.

**-x-**

All day I couldn't help but think about my parents. At the funeral, they refused to speak with each other. It was like they were mannequins in a storefront put side by side.

They looked as if they were a couple, but in reality, they had no inclination to speak with each other, they had no reason to even look at each other.

Their being together was all a formality. No one knew that but me—only I knew the truth.

And the truth sickened me.

The more I started to think about it, the more my stomach began to churn. I sat in the empty hallway, closing my eyes shut trying to think about something else. I tried to avoid the pains in my stomach, but the pain kept on coming back.

I quickly ran into the bathroom and sat in one of the stalls, waiting to upchuck my lunch.

Five minutes later, I closed my eyes while my lunch went spiraling down the toilet.

**-x-**

I can't remember what happened after that. The whole day was a total blur.

Every day was a blur. It was all the same: get up, get changed, go to school, go home, do homework, eat and sleep. Everything was the same except for Sundays where I had to go to Church, or if we had some sort of religious retreat or Church gathering going on.

I got home to see my mom putting together a quilt that the kids at her CCD class were making; I watched her smile as stitched each square.

There were so many questions that I wanted to ask: how come you're home so early, why aren't you working right now, how come you and dad aren't on speaking terms—I couldn't ask any questions. She looked too happy, I couldn't bear to disturb her.

She looked up and saw me. "Clare, you're home early! You can help me with finishing this quilt for my CCD class." I went up to her, took a quilting needle and thimble and sat around the quilt.

We spent the next hour and a half in complete silence, stitching away.

**-x-**

"Your father won't be home until ten tonight. He has a big project going on."

We were eating dinner, tonight was my Grandma's famous spaghetti and meatballs. I was slurping up the long spaghetti while my mom was talking. I noticed that she wasn't eating her food.

"Clare, I need you to tell me the truth." I put down my fork on the plate and looked directly at her.

My mom puts her elbows on the table and clasps her hands together. "What's going on with your father?"

**-x-**

**So sorry for the late update. I've been wicked busy with schoolwork and stuff… **

**This hasn't been edited. So please don't flame about the grammar.**

**I also don't know that much about quilting, so if I said something wrong, don't mind it.  
**

**The Eli chapter was really hard to write for me. I feel that I don't really know the character Eli that well. There was a review that said that it lacked depth—I do understand that it did. However, I wanted Eli's chapter to be really short and choppy, just because. **


	7. Chapter 7

**And here's another chapter! **

**For a few days, I sort of hit a small writer's block, but I think I know where I want this to go.**

**-x-**

Those words that came out of my mother's mouth meant that nothing in our house would ever be the same.

"Clare, you need to tell me what's going on. I know that you know the truth."

No matter how much my mom protested and complained, I couldn't bear to tell her. But the truth was too overwhelming.

"Clare sweetie?"

I kept on pondering: should I tell her, should I not tell her? What should I do?

Everything was silent until the doorbell rang.

**-x-**

"Hi Mrs. Edwards, I was wondering if Clare is at home right now."

I heard a male's voice coming from the front door. I stood up and walked over to the door.

It couldn't be. It was Eli.

"Eli!"

He looked over to where I was standing and waved. "I really hope that I haven't interrupted anything."

My mother looked astounded. Her mouth was open wide. I walked over and patted her on the shoulder. "Mom, it's okay. This is a classmate of mine. I'll be with you in a minute." I walked over to Eli and shut the front door.

"What do you want Eli?" My voice sounded unusually stern and harsh.

"I want to apologize."

"You? You want to apologize to me?" I couldn't figure out why he needed to apologize, he didn't do anything extremely wrong, besides the situation about the writing assignment.

"I think I made you mad when we were at lunch together. I really didn't mean to." He put his hand behind his neck and made a small chuckle. "Geez, I never thought I would be this nervous."

Nervous… Eli Goldsworthy nervous? I couldn't picture that in my mind. Those two things could hardly go together.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it." I smiled at him. "And my mom is just surprised that a boy was at the door. I think she was expecting someone else."

He chuckled again. "Look, if you and your family are having some sort of issue… I don't want to force you to say anything. Don't worry about it. I mean, everyone's got secrets…"

"Yeah, no problem. See you Monday." I walked back to the house and shut the door.

For some strange reason, I felt that a large weight came off of my shoulders. For the first time in three months, I was able to actually breathe.

**-x-**

"YOUR FATHER WHAT?" My mom screeched, she was breathing heavily and looking at me with a hurt look. "That can't be true."

She sat down and put her hand on her forehead. "I must not be feeling well." She took her glass of water and started gulping it down.

I can't believe it. I told her the truth.

I told my mother about my father's girlfriend. It broke my heart to see my mother like this, but I couldn't hide it any longer.

If I did, all my sanity would be gone.

"Mom?" I walked over to her where she was convulsing and crying, "Are you okay?"

"Your father… how could he?" Words and incoherent phrases started jumbling out of her mouth.

I had no idea what to do. I spent half an hour sitting on a chair patting my mom's back as if she was a four year old, rocking her like a baby.

**-x-**

"Clare! Wait up!"

I looked behind and saw Eli running over to me; I scoffed and rolled my eyes.

"Clare, I just want to apologize again… your mom probably didn't like me going over to your house."

I looked back at him. "It's not a problem at all. We were just having a chat before you came."

He grabbed one of the handles of his backpack and cleared his throat. "Okay one other thing: how would you feel if you and I grabbed a milkshake at The Dot. I think I need some revising on my essay."

I nodded. "Sure, no problem."

**-x-**

I honestly thought that the end of my troubles would come after I told my mother the truth. There weren't any more pains in my chest nor did I feel like upchucking my lunch again.

But something didn't feel right.

It wasn't until after school when I was walking out to the front of Degrassi when I saw my father angrily walking towards me.

"Clare Edwards! What did you do?" He stomped towards me and created a scene. Everyone started looking at the two of us.

"I told mom the truth." It was true, I told her absolutely everything. Everything except for the fact that his girlfriend looked like Darcy. I peered over behind him and saw that Georgia was sitting in the front seat, checking her makeup with her compact.

"And now your mother refuses to talk to me. She called me at work and told me that we were getting a divorce. Explain this now." He grabbed my arm and pulled it tightly.

"I told mom about Georgia," I yelled, my body was shaking and my face started feeling hot. I whispered to him, "Let me go."

He let me go and pushed me backwards. His right arm pointed at me and he started shouting, "And now she's getting a divorce with me. Are you happy now Clare? You've ruined our family, and it's your entire fault!" He turned around and walked back into the car, and drove off.

I looked around and saw everyone looking at me. I couldn't breathe; my heart was beating so fast I felt as if I was going to die.

_I_ did it.

_I _hurt my family.

And it's _my_ fault.

**-x-**

**Sorry I haven't updated in a long while! And I apologize for the semi-short chapter.**

**I was trying to decide whether or not Clare should or shouldn't tell the truth. In this chapter, she did, but now I'm trying to consider what would happen if she didn't…**

**So of course, read and review, and share your thoughts with me! **

**Grammar may suck as usual so don't flame about it. (:**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for the reviews everyone! I really do appreciate it.**

**So I'm going to be writing as much as I can before school starts…**

**When school does start for me, expect less and less updates, but please keep strong and when I do update, read and review!**

**-x-**

The whole world was a total blur for me. People's faces, places, buildings—everything was spinning around me. I couldn't think, I couldn't even _breathe_.

It was too much. Breathing, seeing, smelling, tasting—_thinking…_

My senses were all gone.

**-x-**

I remember falling.

I was falling into a never-ending black hole.

When I woke up, I found myself in a room of yellow.

I looked around. After falling and flying, I found myself landing in my room.

I turned and peered over the clock. 6:00.

Shit. I was supposed to meet Eli.

I heard the door unlock and I saw my mother walking in with a tray of lasagna and hot tea.

"I thought you would like something to eat Clare. You look so pale!" She put down the tray on my desk and walked over to my bed. She put a hand on my cheek. "Your father slapped you, didn't he?"

My throat was so dry I couldn't even speak. I nodded.

"Don't worry sweetie, your father won't be coming home tonight. I have no plans for him to return to this house." She kissed the top of my head. "I'll be back in an hour. I have a business meeting to attend. Why don't you eat your dinner and start on your homework—if there are any problems, call me."

I nodded and slowly got out of bed, waiting for my mother to leave and shut the door.

I walked over to my desk and started eating my food. I never knew how good food tasted until now. I stuffed the lasagna into my mouth, chewing and stuffing more and more into my face. I drank the tea down sloppily, having some of the liquid run down my mouth.

After I finished, I put the tray down on the floor and walked over to my mirror. I saw the tomato sauce on my face, the remnants of cheese and pasta, the traces of liquid running down my chin and neck.

What have I become?

I am…

Me.

I took a deep breath and ran to the bathroom.

This can't be. I can't be me.

I have to be perfect. I need to be Clare again.

I need to be the perfect Clare, the Clare that gets straight A's, the Clare that can read three books in a day, the Clare that has perfect and dainty manners.

I have to be.

I looked at the toilet, saw the chewed up pieces of pasta and cheese and flushed it down.

**-x-**

I washed my face and brushed my teeth. In the mirror I saw my haggard face, dark circles underneath my eyes.

My hands were pale and my skin was dry.

At any given moment, I knew that the mirror would shatter into a million pieces.

**-x-**

When I got back into my room I saw images of my father tucking me into bed when I was younger. I saw my father reading me bedtime stories and kissing my cheek before leaving the room.

My father.

And then I remember his harsh words, his slap, his push, his yelling. His everything.

I remembered it all.

And then I heard a sound from my laptop.

I looked over and saw that it was an IM.

An IM from Eli.

Eli Goldsworthy has saved me once again.

And I am thankful for that.

**-x-**

**eli-gold49: **Changed your mind about meeting me?

Crap.

**clare-e23: **Sorry about that. I sort of had something to do.

There was a long pause before his response came up.

**eli-gold49: **It's fine. See you in school tomorrow.

_**eli-gold49 has signed off.**_

The one person who I really trusted disappeared from my life just like that.

And again: it was my fault.

**-x-**

If I didn't tell my mom the truth, my dad wouldn't have come to school. If my dad didn't come to school, then I would be able to meet Eli.

I sat on my chair thinking about all the different possibilities: what happened if I didn't tell my mom, what if my dad didn't come to school, what if I didn't see dad with Georgia…

I put my hand on my red cheek. It was still sore from the slap, but I was hoping that tomorrow the pain would be gone.

I hoped that everyone would forget about what happened this afternoon; I wanted to walk down the school hallways without people looking at me.

It's not my job to get all the attention—it's Darcy's.

Darcy is supposed to be the one that has all the friends, the one who's popular and pretty. She's supposed to get the attention when she walks down the hallways: not me.

My job is to lurk in the shadows, to be part of the crowd, but not really a part.

**-x-**

I woke up the next morning, face flat on my history textbook.

I slowly got out of the chair and walked over to the mirror. My face was still a bit red and my eyes were bloodshot. What time did I go to bed last night?

Or rather—what time did I go to bed this morning?

I quickly took a shower and saw that there were marks on my wrists and arms from where my father grabbed me. I took the bar of soap and started scrubbing viciously at the marks.

I wanted them all to go away.

I got out of the shower completely red; my skin was raw and tender. I got an outfit and packed all my stuff. I could do without breakfast; my stomach was still nauseous from last night.

I went downstairs and saw my mom lying down on the couch with her phone on her hand. Was she waiting for my father to call? Or was she waiting for a call about that new job offer?

All these questions popped into my mind before I left for school.

That's me—the Clare that cares for other people before herself.

I'm a good person; I really am.

I just need to convince myself that I am a humble and honest person and not a selfish bitch.

**-x-**

**Sorry for getting this out a bit late… I haven't been on my computer as much as I would like.**

**I know that there were reviews saying for Eli to come and rescue her after she fainted—but seriously: wouldn't that be like a fairy tale? And Clare's life is far from being a fairy tale. That and when I got the reviews, I was already half way through this chapter. So… yeah.**

**Read and review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**So here is another little sprinkle of Eli. After Clare "ditching" him, I think it would be appropriate to make a little Eli POV.**

**Enjoy! **

**-x-**

**Eli POV**

Where the hell could she be?

It was four in the afternoon and I was sitting on a table waiting for Clare to show up. I even brought my English assignment with me!

The truth is that I felt really guilty. I felt guilty for the fact that I made Clare write an extra paper and she shared her greatest experience with me—so in return, I wrote a short paper about my experience.

Cliché? Maybe.

I don't even know what I'm thinking these days. I'm always thinking about Clare Edwards. Clare in math class, Clare in history class, Clare in French class, even Clare in art appreciation.

I can't stand it.

I can't stand thinking about her pretty hair or her blue eyes. I can't stand thinking about her voice and her smarts.

Her soul envelopes my whole being. She is my whole being.

I can't even explain it in words.

**-x-**

I have to admit, waiting three hours for a girl is a bit much.

And that's what I did.

By the time it was six thirty, I took my stuff and left. So much for having a nice afternoon with Clare.

I'm sick of her. I'm sick of thinking of her.

She stood me up!

I can't believe it. I thought she was this nice and delicate person who cared about others. She made me believe that she cared for me and actually trusted me even when I tricked her.

She forgave me for everything.

And I thought we were on neutral territory. I thought that we could be two friends going to a café and sipping coffees while talking about the weather. Something completely and utterly normal and casual I may add.

No. Instead I get my heart ripped to pieces and stomped on by a bunch of big fat elephants.

Fine. If she wants to play this sort of game, I can play it too. It's not that hard.

It's just that now we're back to square one when I thought we were making progress.

**-x-**

It's around seven in the evening when I finish all my homework and log on to my AIM. I see that Clare is online. She has time to go online and chat with friends but not to meet with friends? Fine.

I'll make the initiative and talk to her.

There's a piece of my heart that keeps on telling me that she'll apologize and reschedule.

**eli-gold49: **Changed your mind about meeting me?

I wait for her response. I take a few deep breaths: I must remember to keep my cool. Play it cool and play it safe. I keep on repeating that mantra to myself.

**clare-e23: **Sorry about that. I sort of had something to do.

Those two short sentences were drilled into my head. I looked over at those ten words and kept on repeating them over and over. There wasn't any apology, no rain check for our meeting.

It was so… _broad_.

Anyone could assume anything.

Maybe she decided to meet up with jerk K.C. (and yes, I do know that they used to be a 'thing'), or perhaps she wanted to go on a shopping trip with her girlfriends.

Those kinds of girls disgust me.

If she thinks that she can play me, Eli Goldsworthy, she's absolutely wrong.

I am not a tool that can be used and put away. I'm not trash—I'm more than that.

**-x-**

Girls often think that if they have a guy that follows them around, they can treat them like dirt.

I just never thought that Clare would be that type.

But Clare isn't that type—I know she isn't that type. She would break my heart so easily.

**eli-gold49: **It's fine. See you in school tomorrow.

I couldn't say anything more or anything less.

**-x-**

The chase is officially over.

Alas, I am now without a scratching post.

Clare and I, we're nothing more than two people put together in a classroom.

We are officially on square one again.

And for some bizarre reason, I don't really like it.

I feel empty inside.

**-x-**

I've decided to be cool when I see her.

I can't be angry at her even if she had something better to do rather than to chill with me.

But I can't go up to her and be a wimp. What kind of guy would I be if I was submissive and quiet. I wear the pants. I'm the man.

And even if some girl that I kind of like steps on my heart, I can move on.

I regret absolutely nothing.

**-x-**

**And there's a little sprinkle of Eli!**

**I just read it over and I just realized that he sounds really angry. Don't be angry and say that it's really OOC for Eli to be like that…**

**But if you think about it: if you were a guy and a girl you like totally stood you up like that, wouldn't you be mad? And consider the whole Julia thing: he probably isn't able to open himself up to girls as well anymore… **

**So he is mad… in an Eli way. (:**


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm glad people are still reading this even though school has started!**

**At this point, I think this will be the last (or one of the last) daily updates and then there might be a period where I might just stop since I have a lot of homework and stuff to do.**

**I'm glad people enjoyed the Eli chapter; I thought that we should have a small Eli POV included considering Clare "stood him up."**

**-x-**

I remember all those faces.

I walk down the halls and I see a billion pairs of eyes staring me down.

I try so hard not to _look_ at people. I try so hard not to _think_ about people.

But in the end, one person always comes to my mind: Eli Goldsworthy.

**-x-**

I walk up to his locker and smile at him. I try to offer him an apology before he cuts me off by walking away.

I look straight into his eyes before he leaves.

He leaves me stranded in a sea full of man-eating sharks with no oxygen supply.

He leaves me here while I'm dying.

I want to get out of the water. But it keeps on taking me in, pulling and sucking me into its never-ending vortex.

There's no way out. The water cascades and gushes into my body and overtakes me—it's too powerful.

I lay there in the water, floating carelessly amongst the waves on the surface.

**-x-**

The day passes by so slowly, yet it's all a blur to me.

Math, history, French, art class—I can't remember anything.

I walk to English when a person cuts in front of me and darts straight into the classroom.

I recognize the familiar leather jacket—it's Eli.

It's over.

**-x-**

At the end of the day I walk to the front of the school and I look at the picnic tables across the street and I see Eli and his friend Adam chatting and laughing.

How could he be so happy?

He must be happy to leave me, he's happy that he doesn't have to deal with someone like me.

I'm such a burden to everyone.

He looks at me and I turn away, tears threatening to come down my eyes.

**-x-**

I no longer imagine that I'm in water.

I now imagine that I'm in a burning building, threatening to come down.

The fumes from the fire enter my body, filling my soul and lungs. The orange flames capture my attention and grab me.

I see faces in the fire.

I see faces and they're _talking to me_. But I can't hear their voices. Their voices are on mute, but their mouths are still moving.

But for some strange reason, I can hear the voices in my head. All the voices telling me different things: do the laundry, get good grades, ace those tests, get into a good college, be perfect, don't tell secrets that aren't yours… and the list goes on.

All those voices pound my head till no end.

Those voices make me want to choke myself.

I come back to reality realizing my hands on my neck, threatening to strangle me.

**-x-**

What's the difference between a dream and reality?

What's the difference between real and fake?

People might know, but to me, they're exactly the same.

Dream and reality, real and fake: they go together like peanut butter and jelly.

They do to me.

I hug myself as if I'm shivering from the winter cold.

What's this feeling coming over me?

I walk out of my room and go downstairs. I need fresh air.

I look and see my parents talking in the kitchen. Once again, their voices are muted but their mouths are moving and I see hands making gestures. It's like watching a movie on mute.

I walk by the kitchen and my father points at me. "You!" he starts shouting, "You!"

Someone has turned up the volume again. I can hear their voices perfectly now.

He walks over to me and turns me around. "Now tell your mother nicely that you were lying the whole time." I look to see my mother crossing her arms and frowning. I can tell she's been shouting since her face was flushed.

"Tell her." He starts nudging me. "Tell her now!"

My mouth opens but no words come out. The volume has been set on zero.

My mother looks at me quizzically, my father stares me down sternly.

I'm in the middle between these two extremes.

"I… I don't know anymore." I look away and try to get off from my father's grasp. He pushes his hands onto my shoulders harder. "Tell her now." He grunts.

"I…"

I could feel his hands grinding into my shoulders. I could feel his fingers pierce through my bones. I was scared, absolutely _terrified_.

"I don't know anymore." I repeat again. "I don't know! Let me go!" I try to fight out of his grasp and I finally succeed.

I take a few deep breaths in. I touch my face, it feels really hot. "I have to go." I grab my satchel and leave the house as fast as I can. I run down two streets and take a seat on the curbside.

Maybe I was lying to my mother; maybe what I saw at home wasn't real.

Maybe I was lying to myself.

Then Georgia would be a figment of my imagination.

Grandma didn't really die—she's still living in the nursery home with all the other elderly people.

I wasn't supposed to meet with Eli. Perhaps Eli is a figment too.

I look around and see cars driving down the street at seventy miles per hour when they're only supposed to be driving at twenty.

I keep on walking to see cats stuck on trees, old men on wheelchairs and stop lights flashing red and green furiously.

I look again and I see myself at The Dot, where people are sitting and staring at me. A billion pairs of eyes staring at me.

I turn at and look at the street and see neon colored cars parked in a row, monster trucks exploding in front of my eyes and a restaurant burning down to the ground.

I shake my head several times. This is all a dream. I'm not really here; I'm still at home in my bedroom napping.

The server at The Dot looks at me funny and asks me if I want to have a table indoors or outdoors. I don't know what I want anymore.

Is it hot or cold today? What color jacket am I wearing? Do I want to drink coffee or tea? What's my favorite kind of food? All these questions keep on boggling me.

I can't answer any of them.

My brain isn't functioning anymore.

I'm losing my mind.

**-x-**

**OMG, I like this chapter! It was really fun to write!**

**So I haven't really edited it that much, so if there's a bunch of errors, ignore it and one day I'll go and edit these chapters. I'm still having too much fun writing them.**

**Read and review! Your thoughts and criticism are appreciated!**


	11. Chapter 11

**I was out of town when I typed this and I didn't have internet... and then when school started, I didn't have time to fix it up.  
**

**I appreciate all the reviews/alerts! I absolutely loved writing the last chapter; it was so much fun making Clare insane.**

**There was a review that asked for an Eli POV, so I will write an Eli POV. Don't expect this to happen often since I think chapter nine was an Eli chapter. Remember: Clare-centric with a sprinkle of Eli!**

**-x-**

I, Eli Goldsworthy, have officially forgotten Clare Edwards.

And it only took me twenty-six hours. I am quite proud of myself.

And after these twenty-six hours, I have met new people; I have made friends.

I now will dedicate my time watching mixed martial art battles on TV and listen to music. I will spend my nights with all the guys rather than thinking about Clare.

But now I question if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

What if it was a bad thing to forget about Clare?

**-x-**

Earlier this afternoon I was sitting on one of the benches outside Degrassi with Adam.

Adam is my best bud, a guy that you can definitely count on. He helped me forget all about her.

I sat there on the bench laughing about the current issue of The Goon, a comic that both he and I like to read, and then I saw her.

Just when I forgot her, I saw her again.

I saw Clare.

And I think I made her cry.

**-x-**

Adam and I took Morty and drove over to The Dot, where we were going to do homework and chill until his older brother was done with football practice.

We were sitting down and chatting about school until Adam asked the worst question ever.

"So what's up between you and that Edwards girl?"

What. The. Hell.

I had no idea what to say.

What was I supposed to say about her? "Oh yeah, we were friends until she ditched me."

Dude, I need to sound cool. I just met this guy and I can't tell him that I got ditched by a girl.

And worst of all, the girl is a sophomore.

I'm the junior, I'm the older man. I should wear the pants.

"Yeah, she's just not the girl for me."

That was a good response. Until I saw Adam's eyes bulge.

"I thought you and Clare were a thing. You totally have the hots for her, and you're telling me," he pointed to himself, "that she's 'not the girl' for you? That's complete bull."

Damn, he saw through it.

He can tell that I really like her.

Is it that obvious? Is her name written clearly on my forehead?

I can't believe I'm such a lovesick idiot.

Am I really that weak?

**-x-**

We sat there for five minutes in complete silence. I started at my coffee cup.

Ever since I started middle school, I've always loved coffee. Perhaps that's the reason I'm not six feet tall like my dad.

Coffee makes me more relaxed. People tell me that they get all jittery from too much caffeine, but coffee doesn't affect me like that. I enjoy drinking coffee.

But unfortunately, no amount of coffee will relax me and stop my hands from twitching.

I looked out the window and noticed that life's a bitch.

The sky is blue, the clouds are puffy and I'm sitting here sulking about some girl. Way to ruin my life.

And here I thought that Degrassi would help me think straight, that I could forget everything: my dad, bullies, Julia…

All that and more. I came to Degrassi to forget, not to add more things to my plate. I already have so much stuff to think about, why do I need to even think about Clare?

**-x-**

The two of us just sat there drinking our coffees and not saying a word.

Until Adam opened his mouth.

"Dude, look out there. Isn't that Clare?" He pointed at the window and I saw Clare, looking around and putting her hands on her head.

Aw, poor Clare. She must be freaking out since her friends aren't here to meet her yet.

But then why does it look like she wants to get run over by a car?

**-x-**

**Once again, a short Eli chapter. I really didn't have much to say. **

**I think I have more to say for Clare than I do for Eli… But I felt that Eli needed a clear explanation for everything that has been going on—and it seems that Eli has a bunch of stuff on his plate too!**

**I would like to thank all the reviewers, I'm glad you liked the chapter, and if I could, I would make this a book (if it wasn't based off a show)… but unfortunately I can't. **


	12. Chapter 12

**So… not that much internet available for me—but I will still write!**

**I'm writing more chapters so when school starts (which is soon), I'll still have chapters to post up.**

**We are now back to Clare's POV and I would like to stay with it. I'll write the Eli POV as we go along. I still need to figure out where I'm going with the story. I have a small idea, but I need to keep on planning it.**

**-x-**

Where am I?

The world is spinning.

I can't even see. I'm blinded by the flames.

The flames engulf me, my throat is burning.

I can't breathe anymore.

The smoke covers my eyes.

**-x-**

I start spinning around in a circle. I need to find a way out of this fire.

The building is collapsing and my heart keeps on pounding.

My sanity breaks like the pieces of the building that fall from the sky.

I try to take a gulp of air, but it's all too much to take in.

I look and see Eli and one of his friends sitting there in The Dot. They sit there looking and laughing.

They're laughing at me. I know that they're laughing at me.

And they're leaving me here to burn.

They want me to burn and to become ashes, just like the rubble from the building.

They want me to be absolutely nothing.

**-x-**

Everyone wants something.

Mom wants facts and dad wants fictions.

Teachers want good grades and friends want honest friendships.

I can't deliver. I can't give them that.

And in return, they leave me here to burn and die.

This is my punishment for trying to help people. This is my punishment for trying to be perfect.

Retribution.

**-x-**

Not that I know it, but a server grabs my shoulders and asks me to sit down and drink a glass of water.

I also don't realize that there are people inside and outside the building that are looking at me.

But I know that I'm on fire. I know that I'm being reduced to nothing more than ashes.

I run up and down the block, trying to get the fire off me; but the flames overwhelm and surround me.

I look at my hands and my feet. What I should be seeing are five fingers and a pair of brown flats. But yet I see nothing more than ashes and blood.

I kneel down to the ground and put my hands on my throat, trying to breathe.

Not that I know it, but I start hyperventilating and faint in the middle of the road.

**-x-**

Why can't I breathe?

I no longer feel the fire heating up or the ashes covering my body.

The smoke has disappeared.

Why can I feel anything?

**-x-**

I didn't know that that many people actually cared about me.

There were people surrounding me. I heard feet running and people breathing.

I heard sirens coming. Someone lifts me up.

Maybe it's all a dream.

Maybe I'm just lying there in the middle of the road and everything I'm hearing is all a dream. There's really no one there.

Everyone is just a figment of my imagination.

**-x-**

The sound of footsteps haunt me.

I keep on hearing stepping noises inside my head. But I can't open my eyes.

The world is completely black. I'm blind.

I don't want to be anything more than a shadow. I just want to fade into the scenery and no one will notice me.

At school, I'm known as one of the gifted students, but yet I vie to be nothing more than normal. In the play, I'm in charge of the props, handling all the backstage work.

I'm supposed to be in the background. That's my job.

_I'm_ the _second _child. _I'm_ the _second_ daughter.

Let Darcy be in the spotlight. Give her moments where she can be in the limelight.

Why can't everything be normal again? Why does everything have to be about me?

Everyone wants something out of me.

**-x-**

Me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

That's all I hear.

People are selfish. They talk as if it's all about them.

In reality, it is always about them. They make sure that it's about them.

But I don't want it to be about me.

Whenever it's about me, it's always bound to be trouble. I told the truth and got in trouble, and now it's me that has to lie and say that I lied about telling the truth.

It's me that was joking about everything.

It's all a joke.

I lied.

It was nothing more than a falsehood. What I said was spur-of-the-moment.

That's it: it was something that I said on an impulse.

Nothing more than that.

If I keep on lying, then everything will be okay.

I'll fix everything that way.

**-x-**

My eyes are closed, my body is still and yet all these thoughts keep on plaguing me.

Maybe I'm floating.

_But I'm not floating in the clouds._

I'm floating in _**nothing**_.

I'm stuck in this strange place of darkness. I can see absolutely nothing and I can't move a single muscle.

No more running. No more fleeing.

**-x-**

I can hear voices in my head.

I can hear my dad yelling and my mom crying. I hear Alli scolding me and Jenna scoffing at me. I can hear K.C. shouting and Grandma laughing.

But then there's one voice that I can't hear.

I can't hear Eli's voice.

I can see him opening his mouth, but there aren't any words coming out.

**-x-**

What's wrong with me?

**-x-**

**Sorry if it's not as dramatic as you would like… it's definitely a bit more poetic. I've been so busy with school that I barely have time to update.**

**But thank you very much for all the reviews! I really do appreciate it. If it wasn't for everyone's reviews, I probably wouldn't be updating as frequently. (:**

**So please keep strong and keep on reading ****I'm Me!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13!**

**I can't believe I even got this far! **

**Read and enjoy! And review too… reviewing makes me happy. ^_^**

**-x-**

In the background, I can faintly hear beeping noises.

I can feel the blood slowly oozing out of my body.

I can't think about anything. All I want to see is my family.

Where's mom?

Where's dad?

Where's Darcy?

Have they all forgotten about me?

_Mom?_

_Dad?_

_Darcy?_

… _Grandma?_

Where am I?

Where are you guys?

Help me. **Please.**

**Please help me.**

**-x-**

**Sorry about the long wait. DUN DUN DUN! What if I said that it was for dramatic effect? :D  
**

**Um… so this is a short chapter. I hope you guys understand. I hope to have the next chapter up tomorrow night. **** Please bear with me. **


	14. Chapter 14

**I think it's time for an Eli sprinkle!**

**Read and enjoy… oh, and don't forget to review! **

**AND HOLY SNAP (as of October 22 2010), I OFFICIALLY HAVE 100 REVIEWS! Thank you very much everyone! I really do appreciate it! :D**

**(Warning: some minor swearing…)**

**-x-**

The doctors told everyone that she's in a coma.

Clare Edwards—_my_ Clare Edwards— is in a coma.

I quickly drove over to the hospital and ran to her room.

I wasn't an immediate family member so I couldn't go into the room. What the hell.

So I stood there outside her room peering through the window.

She looked so peaceful when she's sleeping.

Trust me, if you saw her, you wouldn't even think that she's in a coma.

**-x-**

Looking at her, I think about the day I bought Morty.

I remember saving up all the cash I got from birthdays, random part-time jobs and garage sales and I remember counting up all the money.

After Julia died, I thought my life couldn't get any worse and I needed something to do to forget about the pain.

It was a turning point in my life.

I bought Morty off of my grandfather's friend's son. Apparently grandpa had a friend whose family owns a funeral home; they've had the funeral home for generations.

My grandpa's friend said that they were selling the old hearses and were getting new ones. I never thought that hearse models would keep on updating throughout the years like cars and convertibles, but when I heard the news, I just had to have a hearse.

And I bought one.

Of course, my grandpa helped me financially, but other than that, it was mine.

All mine.

I remember bringing the hearse home and watching my mother freak out. Her exact words were, "Are you sure you don't want another car sweetie? This one is great but…"

I cut her off. I knew what I wanted. I wanted Morty.

And right now, I know that I really want Clare Edwards, alive, in my arms.

**-x-**

I am determined to get Clare back.

I looked through the window and looked at Clare's pale face. Why didn't I see it before? I was too busy ignoring her to actually _look_ at her.

She looked pained. Her face was gaunt and she looked thinner. She had bags underneath her eyes.

I looked and saw her parents walking down the hallway. What the hell are they doing here? They made her life a complete shit hole and now they're walking over to her room casually as if nothing is going on?

This is such bullshit.

I freaking hate her parents. They did this to her.

I punched the wall. I imagined their faces plastered on the wall and I punched them. I didn't care if my hands were sore or if my knuckles were bleeding.

All I cared was about that girl in the room.

**-x-**

**It's a bit short… but the next chapter I fully intend on getting back to the main story. I have it written out on paper (it's what I do when I'm not paying attention in classes…), so all I have to do is edit it and type it all up! **

**Once again, a big shout-out to all of my readers and fans of this story (and for fans of Eli and Clare) for reading and reviewing!**

**Just a small note: I appreciate all the fans and reviewers for reviewing, but I would appreciate it if you would add something besides: "PLEASE UPDATE NOW" or something of the like. Please understand that I (just like everyone else) have school and other extracurricular activities which do not allow me to sit at my computer and type out a chapter… ): I wish I had the time, but the past few weeks have really been strenuous. Oh school... D:  
**

**(Note: This hasn't been edited for grammar. No grammar flames!)**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**Author's Note: Hey guys I really do appreciate the reviews! I've been swamped with so much classes, studying and tests and I've been seriously sick. **

**So I hope I can make it up! It's really difficult to write chapters while studying and being sick. So please be patient with chapter releases. **

**This chapter is in Clare POV.**

**-x-**

I feel motionless in this black universe. I can't move. There's nothing around me.

Just blackness.

My senses are still aware—I can hear things and smell things that I've never noticed before. The smell of the hospital wafts around my nose. The sound of wheels and flat rubber shoes are imprinted in my mind.

The door opens.

Four people.

One woman wearing stiletto heels, another wearing flats.

One doctor.

One man. I can smell the cologne. It's a familiar smell.

"Sir, is this your daughter?" I can hear the doctor's voice.

I can feel the awkward silence embrace me. My heart beats faster.

"I'm sorry but I don't know this girl."

My heart breaks. The woman wearing flats chokes out a sob and storms out of the room. The woman with stilettos walks and hugs the man. The doctor remains standing.

The woman walks back into the room. She whispers to the man, "That's Clare. That's our Clare."

The man denies it.

The woman shouts, "You can't tell! Underneath those bandages and tubes is our daughter. You killed her!"

Is it my mother? That voice sounds familiar.

My body won't move no matter how much I want it to. I want to break free of the bandages and tubes weighing me down. I want to run over to my mother and hug her. I want to look my father in the eye. I want to see my friends. I want to see Eli.

"She was the only one who could tell me the truth." The woman continued. "She told me about you and your…" She paused. The woman wearing the stilettos walked over to the other woman and slapped her.

"Georgia!" The man spoke.

The younger woman spun around and looked at the man. "For the past year and a half I have sneaking around with you. I knew that your family would know one way or another, but I can't bear having your stiffer of a wife talk about me like that. Why aren't you defending me?" She stormed out of the room.

I would slap her too if I was able to get out of this bed. I still don't understand why my father fell for a bitch like her.

"Helen, I'm so sorry."

She scoffs. "You ruined our daughter and tore apart our family. It's your fault." She walks out of the room and the doctor followed.

My heart began to beat faster. If my father was still the room, then he would tear out all the IVs and tubes. Or maybe he will hurt me.

But he didn't do anything. He just walked out of the room.

**-x-**

It must be still raining outside. I can hear the raindrops bang on the windows. I wonder what rain feels like. It's been so long since I've been out of the room.

If only I could wake up from this nightmare.

I have considered the possibilities of this being an entire dream—and all I have to do is to pinch myself and everything will be normal again: I will still have my friends, my family would still be together and everyone would be happy.

But that only happens in _dreams_. And I have a really bad feeling that this is _reality_.

I have a horrible feeling that this is all _real_ and there's nothing I can do about it.

The door opens again. My heart starts racing. I can hear leather shoes squeaking on the tiled floor. The smell of cologne is unique yet recognizable. Could it be?

Oh my goodness. I think it is Eli. My heart starts pounding even faster.

All these emotions start swelling in me and out of my body. What should I do? I must look like a mess. If only I could make myself look somewhat decent. If only I could wake up and look him in the eye.

_But I wouldn't be able to. I'm too scared._

That thought creeps into my mind and all of a sudden I feel like shivering. Why would he be here? I thought that he was mad at me? I thought that he laughed at me with his friends.

All these thoughts kept on swirling in my head until he kissed me.

Eli Goldsworthy kissed me.

I must be dreaming.

**-x-**

**Hope everyone enjoys it! And have a Happy Thanksgiving! :)  
**


	16. Chapter 16

**Another Eli Sprinkle!**

**I figured that since Clare is in a coma, there should be more Eli… **

**Read and review!**

**-x-**

Holy crap, I just kissed Clare Edwards.

And for some weird reason I expected her to open her eyes and get out of this coma. But no.

She's still sleeping.

I walk to her window and I push the curtains away and let in the sunshine. It had just stopped raining.

Clare Edwards. How come you look so beautiful even in a coma?

Clare Edwards. Let me count how many ways I love you.

Clare Edwards.

I repeat her name a thousand—_no a million—_times in my head. Clare Edwards Clare Edwards Clare Edwards Clare Edwards.

It was a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Clare Goldsworthy.

**-x-**

Oh god, did I just think that?

Clare Goldsworthy?

Does that have a nice ring to it? It better.

I personally think it sounds much better than _Clare Guthrie_.

Ugh… KC Guthrie.

I heard about the story. It's actually pretty well known. Apparently the jock went for the new cheerleader who's attracted to guys who are taken.

And he dumped Clare and went for the blonde. And apparently the blonde is pregnant.

Oh how the world works! I silently cackle.

I hold her hand and pray that she will get up. Wouldn't it be nice if she got up when I kissed her? It would be just like a fairy tale. She would be the princess and I would be the prince in shining armor. It's only half true: she's the princess and I'm... the jerk.

I sigh. If only...

**-x-**

People always thought that I'm the 'rebel kid', the 'punk', the 'emo kid.'

Well it's true. Except for the emo part. I'm not emo. I don't cut myself. Well, at least not anymore.

Please, I'm not that desperate now.

… Or am I?

**-x-**

Clare changed me.

She changed me for the better.

I thought my life would be over when I met Julia. I thought my life was over when I transferred to Degrassi.

But I met Clare. And she made me better. She cured me of this disease which I thought once to be incurable.

She cured me of loneliness.

But now she's stuck in that hopeless bed and she's never going to get up. And now I'm lonely again.

No more scratching posts, no more games and definitely no more running.

I'm going to stick with Clare.

Forever and ever.

**-x-**

**It's a really short chapter, I know, but I apologize for not updating. I've been wicked sick (I'm still sick right now still) and I really want to get a chapter up. **

**Plus, I'm sort of procrastinating when I should be studying for my exams. **

**Please read and enjoy! **

**(Did you notice that the world loneliness has Eli in it? LonELIness? Get it? It wasn't intentional but…)**


	17. Chapter 17

**Hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas vacation! **

**Where I live, there's currently a huge blizzard going on, so I'm watching the snow swirl around my backyard XD.**

**My apologies for not updating, I was totally packed with winter midyear exams and I was studying for 12 hours straight for the past two weeks… and I'm seriously not joking. I'm still waiting for the exam results to come out. ARGHHH. **

**ANYWAYS… read, enjoy and review! ^^**

**-x-**

Please tell me that was Eli. That would be really awkward if it was my father kissing me on the lips.

I dream about Eli.

He's everywhere in my mind.

But I never dream about him loving me…

**-x-**

How can I describe Eli?

In my mind, he's my rock, someone I can depend on.

Love is out of the equation when it comes to Eli.

He could never love someone like me… He must think that I'm a _freak_.

If I died, I bet he wouldn't remember me.

I wish he would, but I bet he wouldn't.

**-x-**

The familiar smell of leather and cologne fill my senses. I'm pretty sure that it's him.

My heart skips a beat, my brain starts whizzing around trying to put all the pieces together.

It must be him.

**-x-**

I hear strange things like "Clare, please get up" or "Clare please listen to me"—is it him?

The same smell comes into my room and takes a seat on the chair next to my bed.

"Hi Clare, it's me Eli. The nurses let me in. I'm technically not allowed to be here, but after begging and pleading with the hospital staff constantly, I get to sneak in here and be all ninja-like. Today is Wednesday, and it's been exactly three weeks and five days since you've been in this weird coma…" he takes a deep breath and continues.

"In English class today we were reading Romeo and Juliet. Cheesy isn't it? But I actually thought of you. I've actually been participating in class more and being more like you. Today I even got up in front of the class and read Romeo's lines!" He clears his throat.

"The nurses say that sometimes a person in a coma needs to hear people talk. I even checked up on it in the library and on Google. Can you picture me in a library? The idea is absolutely ridiculous. But I've been in the library reading up on books about people in comas, and people who deal with moderate to severe psychological trauma. It's actually quite interesting; when you wake up, we can go the library together and read those books. I'm sure you will like it."

He sits there and waits for a while before speaking again. "Can you hear me?" He laughs and pauses. "I wish you could look at me right now Clare. I look absolutely silly talking to a comatose person. I feel like part of me is gone since you're here. _I need you Clare_—not as an English partner, but as a friend. Please wake up."

He stands up and I can hear the door slam shut. My fingers grasp my blanket and a tear runs down my face.

**-x-**

**So yeah… my apologies for not updating.**

**Please enjoy this. I think that it is a bit fluffy, but it's more of an awkward fluff considering he's almost confessing his love to a comatose person. **

**So read and review! I'd love to hear your opinion and thoughts about this chapter! **


	18. Chapter 18

**OH MY GOODNESS.**

**There's a reason why I haven't posted any new chapters. So if you would like to know, please read the little blurb underneath:**

**Around the end of January, I got a concussion and a neck sprain from Chinese lion dancing (google it) so I wasn't allowed to use the computer at all. Now, although I have been cleared of my concussion, I'm still not allowed to use the computer for long amounts of time. So please bear with me as I try to write and update my stories. **

**I also recently fractured my foot, so I've been hobbling around my house and school… so far 2011 is not my year. **

**All right, now that's cleared (no pun intended) up, on to the story!**

**-x-**

The doctors say that Clare's been in a coma for four weeks.

Actually they're wrong.

She's been in a coma of four weeks, three days, 16 hours, 36 minutes and 15 seconds.

Wait. Now it's 18 seconds. Now it's 21.

The doctors say that they will have to take her off life support soon. They can't have a patient who's in a coma stay in their room for years and years. Especially one without any parents or guardian to take care of her.

But I've been making money.

I've started working at this record store downtown to make extra money. I know that it won't be much, but the only person that Clare's got is me.

I've won a couple of composition competitions. And I've got money for it. My parents think that I'm doing all these things to get work experience and to develop my resume when I go to college.

But in reality, it's all for Clare.

Everything is for Clare.

I would give my heart, soul and the whole world—all for Clare.

My Clare.

_My _Clare.

**-x-**

We've had many disagreements before in class and outside of class.

I've seen her with that ugly sophomore KC and his bitch girlfriend outside in the hallways. I hate the way that guy looks at her. I look at that bastard when he puts his arms around his girlfriend's waist, showing her off to the whole entire world.

I look at him and I feel enraged and jealous.

Enraged at the fact that that bastard was a total jerk and ditched his girlfriend for some dumb blonde who can't do shit. I was angry that he left Clare to fend for herself. When the news spread that his girlfriend was pregnant, I started laughing. KC deserved it. Now he's stuck with his blonde for life.

It's surprising that I know all about this, even though I wasn't at Degrassi. News spreads quickly.

But I was jealous.

I, Eli Goldsworthy… _Jealous_?

Why yes, yes I was jealous.

I want a girlfriend that I can put my arms around. I want a girlfriend who I can read stories with and go to concerts and movies with. I want a girlfriend who's competent enough to understand the ways of the world. The _real_ world.

I want Clare Edwards.

**-x-**

What's reality?

What's fantasy?

I sink my hands into a pile of snow on the ground, watching my hands turn pale white.

I question if this pain is real or not.

I question the world.

If the world hates me so, why torture me even more?

Why does the world do this to people?

Why does the world do this to _me_?

Out of all the people in the world, God decides to do this to _me_.

I chuckled to myself. _God?_

I think about Clare, the necklace that she threw to the ground, and her questioning of faith.

She used to lecture me about the 'goodness of God' and how God cares for everyone and everything, regardless of what you are.

And I used to laugh.

Maybe this is what I get for being non-religious. Maybe this is what I get for being a selfish jerk that spends his time ridiculing people.

I remembered when I told Clare that I wouldn't step into a Church or sit in a pew and attend a Mass.

But I did.

I, Eli Goldsworthy, went to a Mass.

And the whole time I went, I wondered if Clare sat in these very pews. She told me that when she was younger, she and her sister used to be part of the youth choir. She used to be an altar server when she was in middle school. She liked going to Church fundraiser parties and bake sales.

And next time, I want to be there for her. I want to be by her side and supporting her one hundred percent.

**-x-**

Four weeks, three days, 18 hours, 42 minutes and 57 seconds.

That's when I step into Clare's room.

I start talking to her about my day: how I went to English class and got a B on my paper because the teacher said that it wasn't edited properly, when I went to The Dot after school with Adam, chilling out, drinking hot black coffee and eating a blueberry muffin (which is her favorite by the way). I walked her through my day-to-day life, discussing what it's like at school, how life is making me absolutely insane.

It's my junior year.

I should be studying for exams, meeting with college counselors, visiting colleges and learning about colleges…

But screw all that.

That's not important.

I laugh at myself. If Clare was awake right now, she would reprimand me for being so immature and lazy.

But that's who I am.

I am lazy and immature.

**-x-**

"Hey Clare, it's me Eli. I've been in your room a million times by now just to talk to you. Did that sound perverted? I swear on my grandfather's grave that it wasn't."

I fiddle around with my watch. Twenty minutes before my shift starts.

"So to continue on what seems to be an eventful day, I honestly didn't do much afterwards. Just wanted to come and visit you. Oh and here are some nice pink roses. I thought that you might like them. I know if I'm not here when you wake up, you can see these flowers and think of me… even if they are pink."

I clear my throat and fiddle around with my watch again.

"Uh… people at school are wondering how you're doing. I even came by with some of the big homework assignments. I can't believe that teachers think that you can make up work being in a coma… how rude can they get?" I laugh a little.

"But seriously Clare, please wake up. Forget about the immense and infinite amount of homework assignments that you have to do. Just think about all your friends who are waiting for you at Degrassi. We all miss you… especially me."

I put her hand between both of mine and I take a deep breath. "Clare Edwards, when you wake up, we're going to hang out every day. I will help you with all of your homework assignments and you will be caught up in no time. I will read every single one of your English papers; I will even help you in math, which you know I'm pathetic at… Because I want to be with you."

"Forget about everything that has happened in the past. That's all said and done. Just come back. Open your eyes and wake up."

I look at my watch. Seven minutes before my shift starts.

I quietly get up. "I got to go Clare, see you tomorrow!"

**-x-**

I'm waiting for her to get up. Hopefully I'm there when she does.

Hopefully with my job, I have enough money to make sure she gets better.

It just takes time. _Time that I just don't have_.

Shut up conscience, I can't think that.

_Admit it, Eli, you're a failure in life. You can't even defend your girlfriend from her mental breakdown._

She's not my girlfriend. Yet.

Just wait. I have time.

She just needs to wake up first.

_But the dying question is… when will she wake up?_

**-x-**

**And the chapter ends here!**

**I think this is one of the longest chapters I've written yet!**

**So as of June, I'm "all better" and "cleared", but the doctors are worried that if I overwork my brain and the symptoms come back, then it's bye-bye computer! **

**But as always, read, love and review! I hope that I haven't lost any fans and readers because I haven't updated for a long time. But I do have a good reason (kinda sorta… haha).**


	19. Chapter 19

**Thanks for being really supportive! I really do appreciate it. It's definitely been a while since I've last written anything (I've been pretty much staring at my computer for the past 20 minutes waiting for some sort of inspiration to come to me ), so hopefully I'll have some sort of inspiration hit me and then I'll be off writing!**

**Now I do realize that Eli and Clare in the show have been going through some rocky stuff lately… and I know that before Eli and Clare were doing really well, but I'm not going to have the show affect the story. So whatever happens to Eli and Clare in the show now and in the future definitely won't change the story. And if it does… well, it will always be Eli/Clare. Eclare! **

**And if there are Eli/Clare shippers who are going to go and worship another pairing, that's cool. Because this story will always be up for grabs and for awesome reviewers. :3**

**-x-**

I had a dream.

An actual dream.

I had a dream that Eli Goldsworthy was sitting next to my bed and talking to me. I've actually had that dream for a while now.

But I know that the minute I wake up, it's all going to disappear. And everything that I kept on convincing myself was a mirage.

"_Hi Clare, it's me Eli. The nurses let me in. I'm technically not allowed to be here, but after begging and pleading with the hospital staff constantly, I get to sneak in here and be all ninja-like. Today is Wednesday, and it's been exactly three weeks and five days since you've been in this weird coma…"_

"_The nurses say that sometimes a person in a coma needs to hear people talk. I even checked up on it in the library and on Google. Can you picture me in a library? The idea is absolutely ridiculous. But I've been in the library reading up on books about people in comas, and people who deal with moderate to severe psychological trauma. It's actually quite interesting…"_

I hear these things and more.

He starts off talking about blueberry muffins at The Dot to muttering incoherent things about love and care.

"_I need you Clare—not as an English partner, but as a friend. Please wake up."_

"… _Because I want to be with you."_

That really takes the cake for me. Now I know that that wasn't real.

I think God is honestly trying to play with my emotions, making it some sort of farce.

Do you think that if I open my eyes, Eli will be there waiting for me?

If I do and he's there, then I know everything I dreamt about was real. And if he's not, then it was all a farce.

And I do so.

I take a chance and open my eyes.

I can't bear staying asleep for any longer. Memories of Darcy, my parents, and Grandma all surround and suffocate me. It's like I had wronged each and every one of them and now they want their comeuppance.

I'm sorry that I can't be the perfect preppy daughter like Darcy.

I'm sorry that I'm not the pretty daughter.

I'm sorry that I was afraid of taking chances in life and trying to maintain stability.

I'm sorry that I'm too plain.

I'm sorry that I can't do anything right outside of school academics.

I'm sorry that I never spent enough time with my grandmother.

I'm sorry that I never took a chance at love.

I'm sorry that I didn't want to try and change myself for the better.

I'm sorry that I'm stuck in this bed, and having people worry about me.

I'm sorry for being sorry too much.

I open my eyes to see a door close and Eli walking out the room.

I open my mouth and try to shout, but my voice fails me. I try to adjust myself on the bed and I scream his name, wanting him to come back and to look at me.

'_Please, look at me. Look at me and only me! Turn back!' _I keep on mentally chanting this, hoping that he will come back into the room and look at me.

I look and see a cell phone sitting on the table. I don't think it's mine. I quickly grab the phone and inspect it. It's black and has a skull sticker on it. Yup, that's Eli's.

_My _Eli.

Well, at least I think he's mine. Can't a girl dream that someone truly loves her? It's not a sin to do so.

… At least, I hope not.

I hear heavy footsteps and I put the phone back on the table.

"Sorry for causing a ruckus Clare, but I forgot my phone and… oh my god."

I smile at him. He's here, and everything I dreamt was real.

_Yes_.

**-x-**

**And here's the chapter! I think it's a bit fluffy for my taste (not enough angst you think?) and maybe I'll edit it sometime in the future. For now, I just want to post it and see what you guys think. My computer crashed a couple of days ago, so I haven't been able to dedicate time to write and update. **

**So what do you guys think? I'm debating whether or not to end it here and at a later point in time. I'm actually waiting for the new episodes of Degrassi and see if I can spur up some inspiration one way or another. I'm leaving it up to you guys to see what you think about the story. **

**(This is a long author's note, I know… but if you take the time to read all of this, I truly appreciate it!) As an author, I get to create new situations for characters and take poetic license on some things. In this case, I bent some stuff like creating a warped Clare and a possessive Eli (which he actually turns out to be mighty possessive by the finale, so it's in character!), but I didn't exactly create "love" in the sense that they weren't holding hands or making out or having intense shagging going on. So what do you guys think about love? Is love simple or very complex? Is there more to love than just touching? I want to hear what you guys think! ^^**

**I can definitely add more (I think), and I really want to see what you guys think about Eli and Clare being together, what you want to see more of (like Darcy/Clare sibling relationship, the grandmother or anything else for that matter. I'm not asking for you guys to send flaming reviews, but I just want to know what you guys think. In all honesty, it's VERY difficult to find some sort of inspiration when I get blunt reviews like "I like" or "Update more please" or "Update now". These kinds of reviews don't really help me since they don't give me any kind of inspiration to write… **

**But anyways, read, review and love! 3**


	20. Chapter 20

**Okay!**

**To tell you guys the truth, I was hoping to have more reviews that I can use to inspire me to write new chapters… but in all honesty, they didn't really.**

**BUT I'm being positive, so hopefully there will be more readers and more reviewers out there ready to tackle my story and give some critique about it. I realize it's more on the poetic side, but poetry is beautiful in its own way…**

**So please read, love and review!**

**-x-**

**Clare POV**

He's here. He's really here. All those times I was imagining his _voice_, his _scent_, he was really here.

Oh my goodness.

I can't explain how many emotions are piling up in me, waiting to emerge and break out. I feel a small tear sliding down my face.

My fingers are numb; I can barely feel my legs right now. What is this feeling?

My throat feels dry—I can't talk. I glance to see a cup of water by the nightstand. I try to take it only to have Eli quickly grab it and shove it in my hand. I saw the cup shake from Eli's firm grasp.

"You must be very groggy. You've been asleep for weeks!"

I nod and grab the water to take a sip. There's another awkward pause between the two of us, before I look at the clock. 5:20. I point at the clock and Eli silently swears to himself.

"I have to go to work. Unfortunately by the time I finish, visiting hours will be over. But I will be back tomorrow to visit you, okay?" He grabs my hand and holds it gently. I feel a stream of warmth shoot up my arm.

I nod again and whisper, "Thank you." He waves to me and leaves.

"I'll bring Adam tomorrow. He wants to see you too."

I nod, pretending that everything will be okay.

But it's not.

It's far from okay.

**-x-**

No matter how much effort Eli is putting in taking care of me, and no matter how much my friends really do care about my health, it doesn't matter.

The only two people in the world who should be here but aren't. They're gone.

I swirl the water in the cup, thinking about what my parents could be doing: mom looking through the newspapers looking for jobs, dad going on a date with Georgia, dad sleeping with Georgia, mom going out with the girls, mom hanging out with the people from Church, both of them pretending to get along, both of them trying to make everyone else believe that they're a happy couple…

The list goes on and on.

But no matter which scenario I come up with, I'm not in the picture. I could even think of scenarios where Darcy is in the picture, but I can't find me.

Once again, I'm drowning.

They don't want me. They disowned me. They _hate _me. They don't want me in their lives.

Mom, Dad, Darcy…

They're all moving away from me, as if they're running away to avoid me.

But Darcy's hurt the most. I know that it must be hard having a prissy know-it-all for a little sister, and especially if that little sister attends the same school.

… But _why_ Africa?

Perhaps the whole rape incident, the internet predator, the grade slips all fit right in with her plan to get rid of her family. Or to just get rid of me.

Maybe she knew about Georgia.

Perhaps it scared her that Georgia looked just like her.

It scared me. It still does. I shiver when I think of Georgia's facial expressions: they look just like Darcy's.

I slowly exhale and begin swirling the water in my cup again, watching the water move to and fro.

I try to move my arms and legs. Everything seems to work. But how come Eli Goldsworthy has this _profound_ effect on me: as if I can't move my body, I get all tongue-tied and my brain can't even function.

When I saw his face, I had some sort of rush come over me.

I can't put my finger on it, and I honestly don't want to. I hope to avoid this feeling and to never have it again.

I hear the door slowly open and I see a doctor and two nurses come in and check up on me.

"Ah, Miss Edwards, you have awakened! One more week and we would have had to…" He quickly moved his clipboard up to his face, pretending to avoid me.

I sigh. I know… they don't need to pretend. They were going to end my life.

Perhaps I shouldn't have woken up. Then I would be dead, my body would be cremated, and I would be easily forgotten. And most importantly, no one would have to worry about me.

I nod my head and shrug my shoulders. I watch the busy nurses writing things in their binders and checking on my pulse and blood pressure.

"Clare," the doctor looks at me, flashing a small light on my eyes and ears and using my first name, "How are you feeling?"

Whoa. Did someone just ask me how I'm feeling? That's the question of the year. I open my mouth but then immediately shut it in case if I say something snarky or sarcastic.

I contemplate for a few moments and mumble, "I'm all right."

But I'm not all right. Everything is not right. It never is.

The doctor continues doing his tests on me and I take a quick glance at the nurses. Perhaps Georgia is a nurse? Perhaps I can find her and ask why she's destroying my family. No, I won't question her—I'll interrogate her. How dare she go into my house to be with my father… how dare she even _look_ at my father. She's scum of the earth. Anyone who's a home-wrecker is scum.

I take another look at the nurses and see how tall and skinny they are. I'm not tall, nor am I skinny. I'm hideous. I'm pallid and weak. I bet there are bags under my eyes. Perhaps that's the kind of girl guys notice. I wonder why Eli actually spends time with me, considering I don't look like that.

I shake my head. The doctor looks at me and furrows his eyebrows. He mutters something about keeping me in the hospital for another week to do additional tests and to make sure I'm healthy again. It's all mumbo-jumbo to me. What nonsense.

I don't care where I go. In fact, I don't even want to leave. If I'm here, then everyone can forget about me and I can just rot here. I'm already emaciated, why should I try to get better?

**-x-**

**And here it is! After a few long weeks of not updating… It's finally here.**

**It took me a while to figure out some sort of rough outline to use… I was hoping for some sort of inspiration from you guys, but since that didn't exactly happen, I'm crossing my fingers for inspiration for this chapter! From the two reviewers that reviewed last chapter, they wanted more to the story…**

**I won't be with a computer next week, so I'll be updating the week after that. So please don't review saying: "I WANT UPDATES NOW", since… I won't be in front of a computer. **

**PLEASE READ:**

**So here it is! It's a bit longer than the beginning chapters, but I suppose the longer the better? I realize that this story seems to be more poetic than being an actual "book" or "story", but being poetic makes it easier for my portraying characters' emotions for everyone.**

**So what do you think should happen next chapter? Some drama? Something new? What do YOU GUYS want to read about? I'm curious to find out! (:**


	21. Chapter 21

**I'M SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING!**

**I've been so busy with school, applications, life and music… I haven't had much time to go on the computer and really dedicate time to type up a chapter.**

**Another thing—as I have been reading around the internet and such, there is a new pairing: Cake. So then in my mind, I'm trying to figure out if my readers are Cake or Eclare fans now… I'm still going to write about Eclare, I might add some sprinkles of Cake (I don't know yet, just saying for now)… but whatever happens in the show, if something explodes or whatever, it's always going to be Eclare in this story. Okay? Okay.**

**Onto the story!**

**-x-**

**Eli POV:**

After talking _(no, more like interrogating, but who cares?)_ with the doctors, I found out that Clare is going home with her mother. They told me that she will be safer at home than with me.

I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone. Not anymore.

I can't function. My writing sucks, my feelings are knotted up and I can hardly breathe. Not when Clare looks so… sick.

Sick, pale and dead.

Have you seen her eyes? They're no longer bright. Her lips are no longer pink. Her skin is pale. Her hair is dead. She's no longer vivacious. She can't say anything more than five words at a time.

But that's all right. It's all right. I couldn't care less.

I still love her.

I will admit that at the beginning, I thought of Clare as an object, something I can use to waste the time away _(when did I ever think that? That was a mistake)_. But now it's serious.

It gets serious right here, right now.

**-x-**

I sit there at The Dot with my coffee in tow. Black coffee.

I imagine Clare sitting across from me. Hazelnut coffee with skim milk _(she says she can only drink decaf, but I never order decaf for her.)_, and a blueberry muffin.

I imagine a stack of novels and notebooks on the table, and our laughing while discussing how _Twilight_ is considered to be authentic and good writing. She agrees to a certain extent, and I notice her eyes glimmer when she starts talking about Edward Cullen. Her cheeks get rosy when discussing vampire romance, and I remember why I fell in love with her.

Actually, I can't remember why I fell in love with her. There is no word or phrase to explain it. It was just a feeling, a hunch in the back of my head telling me to go for it headfirst. And that's what I did.

It started off as a hunch. Huh, I always imagined it to be more than that.

But it is more than that. Does anyone understand what I'm talking about?

Can anyone _really _understand? How does one describe love in its truest form?

I sigh and look at my coffee. Still black. I look across the table. Still empty.

**-x-**

It's cold outside. I hope Clare is wearing her warmest coat. Maybe a hat too. Does she wear hats? I bet she would look really nice with a hat.

Walking across the street to Morty, I see lots of bystanders trying to figure out why a giant black hearse is parked on the street.

I grin. Those people are stupid. They're all stupid.

They're nothing more than the norm.

Why should society dictate what is 'proper' to drive? It's proper enough to drive a hearse. Why should people give me strange looks when they see me next to Morty?

Everyone… except for Clare.

She was shocked at first, but she got used to the idea that I drive Morty. She didn't panic or scream. She smiled. _She smiled at me_. _Me and only me_.

If I could have a photograph of that particular moment, I would. I absolutely would.

**-x-**

Seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days, days feel like years, years feel like decades and decades feel like centuries.

At this particular moment anyways.

I can't do homework _(since when do I even do homework? Oh wait, since Clare told me.)_, I can't write, I can't read, I just sit there with my cell phone next to me waiting for a ring.

One damn ring. Right now. Any minute now. Any second now.

My thought process isn't even working properly. Everything is coming off as being really choppy. My thoughts aren't cohesive anymore. _(In fact, they might not be until Clare is happy again)_

I stand up and punch the wall. I can hear my mother asking me if I'm all right.

No, I'm not all right. I'll never be all right.

Not until I hear her voice once more.

Please… _Please_…

That's all I ask for.

Clare.

Clare Edwards.

Can you hear me?

Please tell me you can.

Please tell me you can hear me.

Please understand.

_I love you_.

**-x-**

**Yup, so here's another Eli sprinkle!**

**Let me know what you think—I hope that my loyal readers are still loyal! Even after this very long hiatus. I promise that I will try to update sooner. I really do. **

**What's your definition of love? Eli can't seem to find it. Let me know in the reviews what you think love is, and what love should be for Eli.**

**I understand that there's little to no actual dialogue going on in the last couple chapters, but we're pretty much getting a sense of the surroundings, context and their feelings to what's going on. Clare is too sick to talk and Eli is too sick to live properly.**

**I bet there are typos or grammar issues in here. I'm just writing this as quickly as I can so I can update. Later, I'll go back and revise it. What is important right now is that you guys get new installments of I'm Me. **

**Let me know what you think, and let me know what you think is going to happen/any tips! Thanks to all those who put me as their favorite author, I'm Me as their favorite story, and those who put me on their alerts! I'm so happy to know that people still really do like this story.**


End file.
